Dear Therapist:
I recently started therapy, and I can honestly say it’s been something I really need—it’s helping. But even though people say the stigma around therapy is fading, I still feel like many of my friends don’t really understand it. I could never imagine telling them I’m in therapy.
Not long ago, one of my friends made a joke about people who go to therapy, and it really stung. I didn’t feel like I could speak up, so I just stayed quiet. Now I’m stuck feeling like I’m doing something good for myself, but also like I’m hiding it—like I should be embarrassed.
How do you handle the disconnect between the relief therapy brings and the shame that can still come with it in certain circles?
Response:
First, congratulations on taking the important step of beginning therapy. I hope that recognizing how much it is helping you goes a long way toward dispelling any stigma you may have felt. It seems that your concerns about the stigma of therapy relate to others’ biases rather than your own, which is significant. While you feel hurt by what others seem to think, you don’t hold those views yourself—something worth appreciating.
Of course, believing that others view therapy negatively can be painful. But there are a few questions I hope you might ask yourself in this situation. Does this friend truly have a negative view of therapy and those who benefit from it? Or was it just an insensitive joke, not actually reflective of their feelings?
If you had responded that you’re in therapy, would your friend have been embarrassed? If so, why? If they truly looked down on therapy, wouldn’t they have doubled down and said something like, “OK, so you’re a loser”? If they wouldn’t actually say that, do you really believe they’d be thinking it? And what about your other friends—others in your life?
What if someone in your life does look down on you for attending therapy? Is this the kind of person whose viewpoint should matter to you? If not, is it because they are not the kind of person you respect? If so, should their opinion of therapy carry any weight? If you recognize that logically you shouldn’t be bothered by others’ opinions, why does it still affect you?
At the core, we don’t really care about others’ opinions—except when they affect us in a real way, like if someone were to stop being our friend. But if that’s not the case, why do we care? The answer is simple: it makes us feel badly toward ourselves.
Our sense of self and self-esteem are constantly evolving and fluctuating. Even if you logically know that being in therapy shouldn’t diminish you (in fact, I’m sure you could make a strong argument to the contrary), your self-perception can be shaken when you feel that someone is denigrating those in therapy. At its root, this isn’t just a therapy issue—it’s a self-esteem issue. But it’s a perfectly normal self-esteem “issue.” Most people would feel hurt in a similar situation.
When a negative emotion is triggered—especially one tied to self-esteem—it can be hard to see past the feeling. But if you can step back and ask yourself the questions that allow you to see the situation more objectively, I think you’ll feel less hurt. You may also find it easier to discuss your therapy experience as appropriate.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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