Dear Therapist:

Our son (age 11) is a wonderful boy, and outside the house we always hear great things about him. His rebbeim and teachers describe him as respectful, cooperative, mature, and easy to deal with.

The problem is that sometimes my husband and I sit there wondering if we are talking about the same child.

At home, he can be moody, demanding, and very hard to please. He argues over simple things, gets upset quickly, and often seems to save his most difficult behavior for us. It is not that he is a bad child, chas v’shalom. But the contrast between how he is described outside the home and how he acts at home can be very confusing.

We keep wondering what this means. Is he using up all his energy and self-control in school and then falling apart where he feels safest? Or does it mean that we are doing something wrong at home? It is hard not to take it personally when everyone else seems to get the best of him and we get the hardest version.

Why would a child behave so well outside the house and struggle so much at home?

Response:

What you describe is quite normal. Your son sounds like a good kid, and, of course, every child has his own struggles, as does every adult.

Human beings are complicated. I'm sure you don't act the same way with your boss or co-workers as you do with your spouse or other family members. We all deal with insecurities and other emotional issues, and to a large degree these struggles are internal; we may not even be consciously aware of them. As a result, we often handle them in less-than-optimal ways.

Sometimes we become upset with our spouse even though our frustration has little to do with them. Sometimes we withdraw from others precisely when we most need their support. The reasons are complicated, but in essence we're dealing with our emotions unconsciously, which is why our actions don't always make sense on the surface.

Perhaps it would feel more "normal" if your son were equally decent at school and at home. When glowing school reports stand in stark contrast to what you see at home, it can be disconcerting, and you may worry that his behavior at home points to underlying issues. Your focus seems to be on your son's actions, and you wonder whether he saves his most difficult behavior for you. I would suggest that his main focus in school is conscious (his classes and learning), which allows him to put off dealing with his emotions until he's home, where, as you noted, he feels safest.

You mentioned that it's hard not to take it personally when your son acts difficult only at home. In a way, though, you can take that as a compliment. It's safest for him to deal with his emotions at home, where he won't be expelled, but he also probably feels more comfortable showing his feelings to you than to anyone else.

What you see are his actions, but those are simply manifestations of how he's dealing with his emotions, and he is probably largely unaware of how his feelings lead to particular behaviors. Likewise, it can be easy for us, as parents, to view our children's actions as standalone problems. But we can help our children acknowledge their emotions and learn to address them in more adaptive ways.

The first step, however, is for parents to recognize their own emotional reactions to their children's behavior. Once we understand that it's not a referendum on us, it becomes easier to identify possible sources and to help our children work through them.

Every child deals with burgeoning emotions and insecurities. When we focus on their emotions rather than only their actions, we're better able to help them navigate both. It also helps us avoid the trap of labeling our children as problematic, which creates its own problems, impedes efforts to address underlying emotional issues, and reinforces negative behavior.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200