Dear Therapist:

I notice a pattern in myself. Whenever there is a new beginning, I feel motivated. After Yom Tov, a new zman, Rosh Chodesh, a new schedule, a new limud, a new program, I suddenly feel like this time I am going to get things together.

For a little while, it really works. I feel energized and focused. But then regular life settles back in. The excitement wears off, the days become busy and ordinary, and I lose the drive. Before long, I am back to waiting for the next new start to feel motivated again.

I do not think my goals are unrealistic, but somehow, I seem to need the feeling of a fresh beginning in order to get moving.

Why do I keep losing momentum once life goes back to normal? And how can a person build consistency without needing a new start every few weeks?

Response:

What you're describing is something we can all relate to. We have all experienced our excitement fading as something new and interesting becomes routine. I don't know to what degree you are simply losing that initial spark and to what degree you are actually slacking off and neglecting your goals.

You mentioned that new beginnings tend to motivate you, but I don't know how specific that motivation is. You spoke of a general sense that you're "going to get things together," yet you also referred to realistic goals. I think it's important to understand exactly what it is that energizes you.

You say the excitement wears off. Are you referring to your feelings about particular goals? If so, what about them gets you excited? Is it simply the idea of completing them, or is it something inherent in the activity itself? For instance, are you excited about the idea of finishing a masechta, or do you look forward to enjoying the sugya?

It's probably a mix, but separating these aspects of your feelings can help you address each one individually. Awareness is key. When we feel things but are uncertain about their exact nature, it can be difficult to deal with the challenges that arise from them. The more self-aware we become, the better able we are to effect positive change.

To the extent that your excitement relates directly to what you are actually doing each day, it can help to reinforce that connection. You can spend a few minutes after each seder reflecting on how much you enjoyed it, or you can keep a journal of the things you found rewarding.

Perhaps the feeling has little to do with any particular goal and more to do with the idea of a new beginning. If so, I think it's important to ask yourself whether any goals would motivate you more. You may not be able to stay fully engaged in every area, but being stimulated by even one goal can help you feel more fulfilled, which may, in turn, carry over into other areas.

If you find that nothing inspires you, however, I would wonder whether your current situation is optimal for you. There may be another yeshiva with a different approach that is a better fit, or you may find that your interests lie elsewhere.

Regardless, becoming more self-aware is the first step. Self-awareness can help in many areas of life, including learning, work, and relationships, and the more you understand yourself, the easier it will be to answer similar questions on your own.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200