Dear Therapist:

We have an older single son who is a wonderful person, baruch Hashem. He is kind, capable, and wants to do the right thing. At the same time, he still turns to us for help with many decisions and responsibilities.

This includes bigger questions, like work or learning, but also basic things like appointments, paperwork, follow-through, or handling everyday situations. He is not lazy or careless. He just seems unsure of himself and gets overwhelmed when he has to manage things on his own.

We want to support him, but we worry that by helping so much, we may be keeping him dependent. On the other hand, when we step back, things sometimes do not get done, and then we feel guilty or worried.

What practical steps can parents take to help an older single child become more independent? How do we know when to step in, when to step back, and how much responsibility to let him carry?

Response:

Your situation is not uncommon. Many of us have children who rely on us more than we feel is appropriate. As you suggest, there are various ways to address this, and no two situations involve exactly the same factors or call for exactly the same response.

The dilemma seems complex. How do we determine the "proper" amount of support? And once we do, how do we implement change? Even if we recognized the ideal level of support, would we communicate this goal to our child? If so, how? What is the process? Do we set interim goals and timeframes, or do we simply explain the end goal and the deadline? To what extent should we, as parents, be involved? Will our involvement constitute enablement? Can that be overcome?

These are only some of the questions you may be grappling with. Since the dilemma seems complex, it would seem that the solution must be as well. After all, you would need to answer all of these questions. In fact, however, you probably already know the answers to many of them. The problem is that you're not necessarily approaching the issue objectively.

If you weren't dealing with this problem yourself and a friend asked for your advice in a similar situation, you would likely think it through and respond with firm confidence. It's when we're dealing with something ourselves that we often have trouble making objective decisions.

Simply put, we need to think logically rather than make decisions based on our emotions. This, however, is easier said than done. Our thoughts and emotions are intertwined at many levels. Our thoughts can certainly lead to associated emotions, but more often our emotions tell us what to think. Our unconscious minds can easily lead us to believe, with full conviction, that something objectively untrue is true.

Our emotions have countless causes. To a large extent, our underlying feelings are shaped by unconscious fears, insecurities, and defenses that are constantly at work beneath the surface. These contribute to reactions like denial, repression, and projection, as well as undue feelings of depression and anxiety.

Because our thoughts and feelings are so closely linked, it can be difficult to recognize when our beliefs or conclusions are being strongly affected by emotion. Perhaps you sense some of this confusion; if not, you might more easily come to a decision. After all, you know your son and your relationship with him better than anyone else.

It's important to separate your emotions from your logical thinking to the degree possible. Sometimes, discussing the matter with someone you trust can help clarify what you already know. There are times when we remain convinced of something, but the source of that conviction is emotional. For instance, you may believe that if you left your son to his own devices, important things wouldn't get done. This may be true. But you may also believe that it's in his best interest for you to continue helping him.

From a short-term perspective, this may make sense. However, if you step back and look at the bigger picture, you might recognize that it ultimately hurts him. What stops you from focusing on this logic, or even acknowledging it? Perhaps it's the guilt you mentioned. Or you may have an illogical fear of him becoming homeless. This might not be a conscious fear, but rather a nameless dread of "something bad" happening. Maybe you're afraid of how he, or others, might think of you.

If you can identify your fears, insecurities, and defense mechanisms, you can begin addressing them one at a time. Tackling them individually can ease the burden, rather than trying to wrestle with a dilemma that can appear insurmountable.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200